Afraid of the First Step

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This topic contains 17 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by

 
Participant
2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #121049

    Participant

    Can I start over if I slip up along the way? There is so much to absorb, so much to contemplate — I’m not sure I’m ready for the 100% commitment.

  • #121065

    Participant

    Hi slklek10,
    None of us were/are. Ok, yes you are or you wouldn’t be here. Read all the people on the 100% forum who felt just like you. It is a lot of information and you can choose to do it in 60 or 90 days if your life demands. You can slip and just keep on in the book and get back at it. I thought some of my earlier posts might help, hope you don’t mind and sorry for my lazy cut and paste, this is helping me on my second 30. 30 days goes by faster than you think.

    Here’s me on day one.
    I feel you! My biggest failure so far is the 100%. I had two weeks into not drinking and then I got this book and signed up here last week and read through chapter 1. Then I just had to have “one more day” of wine and fancy food. (It’s so intertwined for me.) It has lasted all week every day eating in just one more fancy place (spending money and time I don’t have right now, and avoiding this program) eating all the food and drinking all the fancy cocktails I am NEVER going to be able to have anymore. I just today, finally, made a start in my journal and listened to time travel. I am so not 100% and am so frustrated in my inability to commit fully. I have been drinking my whole life, and as a “bitty boozer” being given rum and cherry coke as a very young child so my parents could have a bridge night without the children interrupting (and they were the “good” parents, as the bad ones did coke and went to discos) I mean my whole life. I have been sober twice, once when I got pregnant, for some unexplained reason, even though I did not know I had conceived, I stopped cold turkey with no help for 5 years and it was easy (I think I had divine help with that one). The second one when I had slipped into a deep depression (that I only saw after I was out the others side) after loosing a child I was adopting because the birth parents changed their mind after 8 months of me and my 9yr old daughter bonding to My 5yr old “Son”. I had to quit and get up out of bed for my daughter’s sake (she had lost too), and again, it was easy. But each time I picked it back up again and now my health is failing and I must do this or I will die. How much motivation does one need???!!! Why can’t I do this for me? Why is this time so hard? Because I know this is the last and final (at least until I am 80 😉 ) time and I NEED to make it so? AAAACCCCKKKK!!!!!!

    and on day 15,
    I feel you! When I first came across the book, after 12 days of sobriety, I faltered. Day one lasted a long time for me (just one more… add whatever fun, delicious, alcoholic moment you desire), the 100% was hard to attain, I was stagnant. But now I am half way through on day 15! Yeah me!! You are not far behind me, it is quicker than you think once you move forward. You can do this!!! The hardest part for me to grasp was the 100% I knew that if I started it would likely be forever (dreaded word) and I faltered over giving it up because I secretly (even to myself) feared that this might work. I did “get it” around day 7. A hard one because I hadn’t picked a day yet to quit, even though I had been sober for a week, I knew that I had to find a day to commit in the first week and that worried me. Never to drink again, AAACCCKKK! But then I just realized I was 1/4 of the way in and I had momentum and I agreed to myself (no one here but me) to commit to the 30 days and the 100% came into focus, it has been easy ever since. I can do anything for 30 days, and so can you! And do it now before you are 53 and still struggling with it like I am. The last 23 years are a blur, it goes by so fast, now I am just trying to get another 20 out of this ruined body and the only way to do that is this. Good luck my friend!

    • #121151

      Participant

      Nice response…helps me pega…I have tried many methods and they all failed…came across this book this past weekend and it looks promising. I will be 59 this week and have been drinking for a long time…too long…I have wasted too much of my life, driven family away..I need to get my life back…I am starting this week..i have read through the first day chapter and will read again and start..

      • #121174

        Participant

        William,

        The 100% is the key to being at peace with that inner mind combatantcy. The one that makes you drive round and round the liquor store or up and down the isles in the store trying to fight yourself. You cave because it’s just a relief to stop fighting yourself. But if you make the 100% commitment you know you are not going to have that battle because it is over with and you have decided to do this. A week will go by and you are doing it. A month is just a blip and then you have rebooted your brain, forged healthy habits and can decide where that takes you. Only you here to be accountable to. 30 days, you can do this!:)

      • #121793

        Participant

        I was at day 5 and gave in 🙁 So today I am back on day 1 and starting the book over, step-by-step. And I was feeling so fantastic! This morning was anxiety and panic, and I am stressing out over a chiropractor appointment in a few hours. If I had not drank last night, I would not be going through any of these feelings. This is my rock bottom… Thank goodness! I am so done with that way of life!

  • #121179

    Participant

    Dear Pega and William — I haven’t been reading posts until now and I’m so very grateful for you both reaching out to me. It’s day 15 for me, 14 days AF. Today I met friends for dinner and had soda water w/lemon and lime, 2 glasses. It was my first venture out since I started. I’m keeping up with the work somewhat, falling a bit behind with all the visioning. It’s important and I want to do it right. Together let’s kick this!

  • #121188

    Participant

    14 days, Yeah you! Take your time but don’t let perfection get in the way. There is a lot of material and I got stuck in insisting I get it all done in the thirty and got derailed at 29 by overload. Keep going but don’t insist that you do everything every day if you really don’t have the time. Usually we need all this to keep us occupied during the times we would drink but others have time constraints. There were some days I would write myself an I.O.U. and do a meditation the next day. Some days are easier, lighter, time to catch up, and some are review. I was hurrying up so I could get all the information and then get back to drinking if it didn’t work. If you remain sober for a few more days after the 30 what does it hurt? The same ole’ same ole’ will still be there. I think a quote later in the book has helped me, “Am I closer to or farther away from my next drink?” I hope we are all here for the latter. Scary in the beginning that it might work, and also scary if it doesn’t and we have put genuine effort into it and yet still decide to keep on hurting ourselves. Just keep going and don’t kick yourself for any human frailty. With emanations of strength out to us all.

  • #121190

    Participant

    Great words Pega! You understand me completely and I appreciate your idea of giving myself the permission to write the I.O.U. and catch up when I can. I hope you are doing well. You are great encouragement to everyone!

  • #121195

    Participant

    Hi there! Thanks for sharing. This is alot of work, but so worth it. I have been AF for 35 days prior but am doing this as I don’t want to drink again. I have had my dances with moderating on and off x 7 years. The best times are when I don’t drink….just needed to really feel how much I dislike drinking and love sobriety.

    I think it is a process, for most people. Progress, not perfection. Love the idea of IOU’s, Peg.

  • #121774

    Participant

    I just wanted to throw out there that I allowed myself to slip and I am grateful for slipping. When I started the program the first time, I wasn’t 100% committed to quitting drinking. I was 100% committed to becoming a normal, take-it-or-leave-it drinker. I finished the 30 Days, inspired, encouraged, brave, confident, stomping like a boss into a sober future. But then, with 132 dry days under my belt and having survived the holidays, I decided I deserved a reward and had some wine on New Year’s Eve.

    I wanted to see if I could have one or two and then walk away from it. I learned quickly that I still couldn’t and I am probably never going to be a normal drinker.

    For a week or so, I kicked myself for ruining 132 days. I felt shitty, like a loser, pathetic – every nasty word you can think of that drove me to this program to begin with. Despite all those nasty feelings, I have to shamefully admitted the thought “You already screwed up. What’s one more drink then?” still crossed my mind.

    But to my surprise, another thought popped up: “I don’t want to do this anymore.” That’s when I realized this could be relapse or this could be progress.

    Knowing now that I couldn’t be a normal drinker, I could just blast it all to hell and go back to just drinking as badly as I had before and give up on sobriety completely or I could just get rid of alcohol completely since that was the only choice I had now. Giving it up completely was not a choice before but it was the only choice now; surprisingly, I did not find myself fighting total abstinence as much as I thought I would.

    In one of the solutions, the book compares this to shooting a bow and arrow. If you take aim, shoot and miss the target, that’s not failure. That is opportunity to grow and not aim in the same spot but towards the target.

    My target is not relapse; it is not hangovers, lying to my boyfriend, my friends, my family, my work – worse, lying to myself. My target is not to stress myself with finding ways to sneak the booze and drink it without getting busted. What’s the point if I couldn’t enjoy it and was always in fear of being caught? My target is not the paranoia the morning after, the chest pains, anxiety, and other health issues.

    All of a sudden it hit me that drinking JUST WASN’T WORTH IT. My target now was to just be completely free of this alcoholic hold, this stress, this prison. Another surprise – as soon as I had that thought, I felt such a relief and peace on my mind and soul.

    Then I thought about the 132 days I was sober. My life didn’t go down in flames. I still laughed and danced and sang; in fact, it had been better because I hadn’t lost so many days to recovering from hangovers. I saw clearer, was more alert and focused, and I experienced this natural euphoric high that drinking never gave me. And I remembered stuff! Imagine that!

    I just didn’t want to do the drinking anymore. It was too much work.

    But I needed to slip and fall so that I could pick myself back up, re-calibrate and really do it right this time. Today is only the fourth day of my second stint with 30 Days but I think of it as an “drinking arcade”. I am out of drink tokens; I can’t play/drink anymore and that’s all for the better. I’ll come hang out but I’m out of drink tokens. As silly as it sounds, it gives me the biggest relief knowing that drinking just is NOT an option anymore. Taking it off the table completely takes the problem away completely.

    The other thing is I hope my experiences have helped you a little bit but if it hasn’t, that’s okay too. You’ll have to find what works for you to recover. If someone had told me what I just wrote up there, I’d scoff at them and say “If it were really that easy to just go cold turkey, I would have already!” But for me, for my journey, I needed to go the 132 days clean, I needed to fall, I needed to learn it the hard way that just giving alcohol up completely would be best.

    What I do hope you take away from my experience is that slipping and relapse is only slipping and relapse if you let it be. Otherwise, it can be a great opportunity for growth and progress in the right direction.

    mxiong919

    • #121775

      Participant

      mxiong919,
      I thank you for sharing so candidly. Day 1 or Day 30, you’ve said things that I can certainly relate to. Good for you for turning what could have ruined you into what will save you. Continued success.

  • #121776

    Participant

    mxiong91972 … what an excellent testament you write! That is exactly what happens to us. I think it’s probably part of our chemical anatomy. Maybe a neural pathway we all share, or something. Whatever it is, it’s insatiable.
    I love the Bow & Arrow visualization! This is what I’ve been doing these past 13 months! (I started this program 12/31/17). I’ve done about nine 30-day commitments or so (each commitment went over 30 days). And with each commitment I now see I’ve been getting closer and closer to the bullseye!
    Thanks for sharing!
    Have a beautiful, sober, magical day everyone!

  • #121780

    Participant

    mxiong91972 Thanks for the great advice. I believe I get to hard on myself when I fail. Rather then just giving up, just keep moving forward. Ive been a bottle of wine drinker everyday for like 15 years. Im tired of it taking over my life. I wish I could just have a glass of wine at dinner, but I know that’s impossible. So i have a question. I went to therapy for the first time yesterday. She suggested that i go to a Detox center first because withdrawal could be very dangerous. She has scared the crap out of me. What should i do. Reading these forums i read the withdrawal like cravings, headaches etc but not seizures.She suggested i stay at a clinic first then find other sources for help.

    • #121782

      Participant

      happier –

      I’m sorry – I’m not qualified at all to advise you of what you should do next. I wish I could give you some direction as what to do but I can only speak from my experiences. While I hope my experiences can help others, I don’t want to lead anyone astray on their own journey because I don’t know much at all about detox centers, what they offer, what they entail, etc.

      But as one person to another on similar journeys, I would definitely encourage you to see a medical professional (doctor) in addition to having seen a therapist to address any physical ailments. You mentioned headaches and seizures; I don’t know if you are experiencing them but if you are, I recommend scheduling an appointment with your doctor. If nothing else, your doctor may be able to provide more information on detox centers, clinics, or other alternatives. You can also seek the opinion of a second therapist. You could do some research online about what is offered at detox centers and if possible, you could call and get some information on what they provide. Perhaps say you are inquiring for someone else. (These suggestions also achieve a second accomplishment: they keep you and your hands busy so you can’t pick up that drink!) 🙂

      It’s very natural to be scared and more importantly, it’s okay to be scared. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in being afraid. To put it in perspective, if the seatbelts were removed from my car, I’d drive around terrified because for years, I wore them knowing they would protect me when needed. The glass of wine, the bottle of liquor, the can of beer – they have been our seatbelts for years. So giving them up is giving up that protection and it’s very scary. But while others may not understand it, everyone here on this website does and we are rooting for you. Your friends and your families, even if they might not understand the protection we have found in our drinks, I’m sure they are rooting for you too.

      I don’t know if this will help but I remind myself that there isn’t anything recovery, withdrawal, sobriety, or whatever obstacles there are in this journey that can hurt me as much as I did when I was drinking as heavily as I was. If I survived a drinking problem, I can survive recovery. I know you can too 🙂 Don’t let it scare you 🙂

      You can do it! We’re cheering you on!

      mxiong

  • #121795

    Participant

    Got through Day !. Find I go to bed early, just so I can get to the next day. I hope soon my sleeping will improve. Tired of tossing and turning. Drinking helped me fall asleep

    • #121797

      Participant

      Congratulations! Be strong and stick with it for a little bit longer if nothing else. You can do it and it will get easier! I know exactly what you mean about drinking to sleep. But then I realized it really wasn’t sleeping; it was passing out. Even though it seemed like sleeping, it was restless and I never felt refreshed. Some times I am still restless some nights when I sleep but I will take that over what it was before. Keep at it, happier. It will get easier and all the benefits you reap at the end of the 30 days will be worth every drink passed up, every page turned, every tear cried. If nothing else, give yourself credit for that you are trying!

      • #121801

        Participant

        Got through Day 2. Went to bed and read my book at 7pm..My husband doesn’t think I will go the 30 days. I will show him. It will be hard, but for once I will not procrastinate. I also am reading the book “The Secret”. Its about positive thinking. Oprah Winfrey book club years ago.

        • #121805

          Participant

          happier – it saddens me that your husband doesn’t seem to support or believe you can do this. I can see why that would create more challenges and doubts for you. But I’m also very glad to hear that you are taking his doubt and using it as fuel for your fire to beat this! Good for you!

          I read The Secret many years ago and still have a copy sitting on my shelf somewhere. I enjoyed it greatly and found that a lot of what is in The Secret overlaps with many solutions found in the 30 Day Sobriety Solution. If you are enjoying The Secret, I’m confident that as you continue with this program, you will find the program just as uplifting, inspirational, and encouraging.

          I hope Day 3 has been stellar for you and that Day 4 is even better! Knock it out of the park 🙂

          mxiong

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