Day 27 – Broken Agreements

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This topic contains 22 replies, has 20 voices, and was last updated by

 
Participant
4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #5247

    Reply to today’s forum at Day 27 – Broken Agreements – and share some of your broken agreements and the impact they’ve had on your life. You’ll find that bringing these to light is part of an empowering and relief-bringing process, and you may see some broken agreements from others that you want to be more attentive to in your life.

  • #7291

    Participant

    The main two for me is 1: Promise not to have any more to drink and then deliberately drink more.
    2. To cut back on drinking and then rationalize that I deserve another and ultimately drink more than ever.

  • #7380

    Participant

    My biggest broken agreement is saying I will call someone tomorrow then not doing it. It’s cost me lots of business I’m sure. Why don’t I call? Get wrapped up in my day, which actually means I don’t value them. This shows in many ways, particularly in my lack of business which is built on relationships and my lack of friends. It came down to my daughter, and my son who live close by who rate at 9-10. 2 friends who live within a hours drive and I see little of. 2 friends that live 6 hours + hours away who rate at 7 -8 which leaves a lot of alone time, so I listen to podcasts from inspirational people. I’m looking at ways to connect with like minded people, just not sure where they might be..not at the pub on Sunday afternoon, even if the music is usually good. I don’t fit in…never have really, so that’s not new. I have to say doing this work each evening has been awesome, keeping me in good company! Thanks again.

  • #7617

    Participant

    This got me thinking…Who am I? Why have I extended my adolescence all of these years? Stop friggen lying to myself and others! Tell the truth! Be real! Be authentic!

    What are my facts? I have started to lay those out in my journal but this may take awhile. The facts will set you free!

  • #7694

    Participant

    This chapter really hit home. The promises I had made to my wife turned into many broken agreements. The events for my kids that I failed to attend because I preferred to stay home and drink. Now that I am clear minded, I have big regrets. I can forgive myself, but will they forgive me? Will I be able to make it up to them? I can only try.
    Thank you.

  • #7724

    Lead by example @dcjohn. Show them how much you’ve changed and I’m sure they will forgive you, even if it takes time. Forgiving yourself is HUGE first step.

    • #7741

      Participant

      Thank you.

  • #10100

    Participant

    The Broken Agreements exercise has been difficult for me, because I am pretty committed to my relationships and will turn up rain, hail or shine. My word is my word. If I say I will do something, I will do it, even if I have to move mountains (or a hangover) to get there. I’m guessing then that I have broken agreements by turning up hungover to gatherings?

  • #10243

    Participant

    I am beginning to set some important boundaries for myself in relationship. I am only empowered to do this when I maintain 100% commitment to my sobriety.
    In rereading this chapter the second time I realized the broken agreement that pains me the most is the one I break with myself. I’m am a people pleaser so I take great pains to prove to others I am lovable and rarely say no. I realized that addiction has been my escape from life or relationship. This is what it means when they say addiction is a disease of isolation. I chose not to show up in my life for myself or others and that brings me tremendous sadness. I don’t trust people will give me the love and appreciation I need and believe they can hurt me. This is a false belief based on lack of self love. If I apply Classic Katie Byron ie. the turnaround question, I don’t trust that I will show up to give myself the love and appreciation I need. This is my greatest disappointment. Great breakthrough.

  • #12992
    mo

    Participant

    This is my second time through the book (and my first time posting). I started reading and stopped drinking on May 1st 2016. I made it through the book entirely and did 99% of the exercises. It was a revelation. This is the program I’d been looking for for years, probably decades, actually. I sincerely hope this book changes the recovery movement! It’s brilliant and really great for goal oriented functional problem drinkers like me. I appear very successful on the outside. It looks like I have it all. But in recent years, I haven’t been enjoying my wonderful life.

    Sobriety felt really good and came quite easily, but I did have two glasses of wine around 25 days in. I knew how and why it happened. I had prepared not to go to a party but went. Then I stayed longer than planned. Anyhow, I kept on with the book and finished the program. I was so pleased and felt so much better. I started noting all the people I know who are sober and all the famous, talented folk who are as well. I’ve generally avoided my sober friends. I keep them at a distance. Not any more.

    I took Dave and Jack’s advice and started attending weekly SMART Recovery meetings. 12-steps don’t fit for me but I found the SMART meetings great. I went once a week until my summer holiday started. I realized I had made an excuse to drink at two occasions on holiday. I did and it wasn’t the end of the world. The book and SMART recovery helped me see the lapses as feedback. Valuable feedback. I had justified that these were really big events–really big parties. One was a family reunion 70th birthday party for my mother-in-law. And it was really good feedback. Within a week of “regular” holiday drinking (what I typically would drink on holiday and what my in-laws drink, 3-6 drinks per night or more) I could see my puffy face returning, my mood sinking, my motivation disappearing, my desire to exercise fade and my relationship with my wife sour again. She told me I seemed miserable.

    So I stopped drinking again (that was 29 days ago today) and I started doing the book again. What a relief to get back into sobriety. It was even easier 2nd time around.

    What I learned reading the book 2nd time around: my original goal/vision had been too broad (it involved work, creative life and changing the world) and when I re-read that chapter, early on, I saw that the goal/vision was supposed to be for the 30 days only! So I narrowed it. And it changed into: How do I wake up each day even more healthy, free and energized to enjoy my blessed life and family?

    It’s been great. I’ve kept my focus on family, fun and health. After returning from our five-week holiday (with only one week of drinking, pat, pat on my back) I started planning a new project, without finishing the old. Dave’s story on the web site for Day 28 struck me. I often stop, delay or give up right before the end. I was doing it again. I got stuck on Day 27 for 3 days! I tried to start a new work project without finishing up one I started in June and one from many years ago. So I de-committed from the new project and re-committed to finishing what’s on my plate. I also re-committed to my vision statement. My primary goals are health, family and fun. I’ve become miserable because of outside ideas of “success” and all the shoulds I created for myself. Thanks, Dave, for that message. I have a habit of stalling at 95% done. It’s time to sprint across the finish line, not slow down.

    Dave and Jack, your program is brilliant, generous and fun. I can’t thank you enough for helping me turn my life around.

    I also tried to change too much too quick. So I’m pulling back. I went back to Weight Watchers last week. But that weight will come off. I want it all and I want it now. That attitude didn’t sustain me in the past. So, I’ll go to the weekly meetings and be content with moderation. When I saw how helpful the SMART meetings were, I wanted to sign up to learn how to be a facilitator–start my own meeting. Then I remembered Dave and Jack’s advice. Wait 6 months before any big changes. I still like that goal, but I’ll wait until early 2017 to embark on it, if it’s a good fit. I’m at 95% with some other projects right now, including finishing the book while remaining sober the whole time.

  • #12998

    Participant

    Hi mo, Thank you for your very encouraging post. I too have been sober for a while. Since the program has been successful for me so far, I have been remiss in my commitment to go through it a second time. Your post reminds me that this is a continuing project. I also lucky that there is a SMART MEETING in my area. I still attend that and have met some inspiring people there. We are all works on progress ! I friended you on your profile page. It’s a pleasure to hear your ongoing story, mo! Sina

  • #13198

    Participant

    Mo, thanks so much for your post. I could have written almost the exact same thing! Today is 30 days for me without a drink and I’m on day 28 of the solutions. This has been the most effective and comprehensive sobriety solution I have found in the last 6 years of my journey to get sober. I am so grateful for Dave and Jack and everyone on this forum who have shared their struggles and successes along the way. I truly consider this program to be a gift from God. Press on sobriety seekers. You are not alone!

    • #13204

      Participant

      Well done sobersailor38. I too am so grateful to have found this program and all of this wonderful support from those who truly understand our struggles. As you press on are you now going to work through the program again? I am on my second time through ( although first time I slipped up at day 28 – what a fool!) I’m on day 23 now but feel I need to keep on the program again after day 30.

  • #13753

    Participant

    As far as for keeping promises. I pretty much keep my promises to everybody. AS for myself. I break my promises all the time. Its like it is not important, or it does not matter. It is only me, and I am not hurting anyone. Today by reading this book. I am seeing that it really does matter to break promises to myself. I do matter, I am important. I am somebody important. I find it sad sometimes that all this time I have been using just because of this. I don’t matter. I am starting to see the light of wisdom. The light of me. The most important light of all.

  • #15798

    Participant
  • #17178

    Participant

    My biggest broken agreement was with my ex-wife, by having an affair with my secretary 7 months after our daughter was born.
    The affair ended up in a pregnancy ( secretary) which ultimately ended in in a irreconcilable difference with my wife and I. Which lead to our divorce and ultimately two children, now 17 and 18 that I didn’t get a chance to really experience a true father son/ father daughter relationship with.
    I have been sober now for 2 months. Perhaps there is a chance for me to reconcile this situation and at least have a healthy, loving relationship with them both in there adulthood.
    V

  • #17182

    Participant

    Welcome @ketchvin!
    It is said confession is good for the soul. So hats off to you….was alcohol involved in your poor judgement 18 years ago?…a compelling reason to quit now if So!
    Keep posting ! It’s a great way to get support and keep motivation high! Congratulations on your continuing Sobriety!
    Onward, Sina

  • #17621

    Participant

    Reading the replies in this day 27 thread was helpful and so very RELATABLE. This was the most crystal clear answer for “broken promises” in all efforts of reading & reflecting I have done to date… I consistently broke agreements with myself, not others, but myself, me, over & over & over… and I see now that increasing disappointment with myself lead to disgust & shame & berating myself & more broken promises further accelerating isolation and increasing the poisonous alcohol intake. I feel so free to have made it to this day of Sobriety, yet, kind of stunned how blind I was to the self destruction. I realize today how very fortunate I am to have done the work on this journey. Again, I am grateful for the many posts that I can read from recent months that provide support, encouragement, motivation, and that needed validation that many of us can rise above the madness of such prior self inflicted sabotage.
    I am Free & ROCKING SOBRIETY… We are all capable and courageous for facing this head on and CONQUERING the “old me” to be replaced with the new educated enlightened dedicated hopeful and enthusiastic me!

  • #19764

    Participant

    This exercise is good to analyze where the blame lies in us. Example, I get angry at the apartment management company for not fixing things and then shit happens and I pay my rent late and then get angry that they don’t cut me a break BUT the agreement was that I would pay by the 1st… It sux, but that was the agreement.
    I need to learn to manage my money better so I don’t have the stress of breaking agreements like late payments.
    How?
    I have no clue how to stick to a budget. I think that is worse than drinking for me. At least with drinking you can just say no, but spending money is like overeating. You have to eat, like you have bills to pay.
    I say to myself, I am only spending $ on bills, gasoline & food and then x,y z. I guess they are all excuses like the same ones I made about drinking.
    Any good program out there on this topic (simiilar to this program?) Thanks!!!!

  • #38711

    Participant

    @karakucha, for budget help, check out Dave Ramsey at http://www.daveramsey.com. Helpful stuff! I’ve read Total Money Makeover and attended a class of Financial Peace University.

  • #121697

    Participant

    Day 27 reading & Action Steps are helpful to me, directing my consideration of not only how I hurt others by failing to keep agreements, but weakened & confused myself. Each of us IS important. If we do not see how to keep an agreement prior to making it, it is better to decline the opportunity. However, when poisoned by alcohol, my mind became unreasonable, more unreliable than normal, and I often would not recall making an appointment or agreement. What a certain way to assure a drop in trust in affected relationships. My greatest broken agreements – so many choices: to drink again after I said to my husband that I would stop, ultimately resulting in his giving up on our marriage; to say on the phone to any of my children that I was not drinking, when I was, and they’re not fools.

    The Merge Meditation has proven helpful to me! I was almost startled to hear Dave say that my drinking problem self didn’t intend to hurt, but WAS hurting. Helpful in accepting and loving myself again, perhaps better than ever.

    I’m on my 7th day of sobriety again-again. I reached 18 days of sobriety while working this program, then relapsed. The difference this time, I believe, is that I’m also rebuilding my Christian faith with daily Bible Study, prayers & meditations more than daily, using the tools and practices in this program, daily breathing and yoga plus additional exercise, and attending Celebrate Recovery weekly. Thanks, Dave, Jack, & all Participants who have shared so vulnerably.

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