Dear Me…

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by

 
Participant
6 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #121123

    Participant

    Dear Me
    I am angry that you let this situation slide so far without putting as much energy into solving it as you did into hiding it. I’m angry that drinking was ultimately more important to you for a long time. More important than your children who you’ve sworn to be around to raise and protect. More important than your family who would be devastated if something happened to you and they weren’t able to try to help or intervene. I’m fed up with hiding and lying and always being anxious. I hate it when the main thing on my mind is how, when and where I will be able to drink as much as I like without being judged or getting caught. I resent that I allowed alcohol to have so much power over me for so long. I resent that I let it dull my ability to care for myself and to protect my well-being, both physical and emotional.

    It hurt me when I couldn’t stop drinking even though it had started to become apparent to my husband and some friends that I had a problem. I felt hurt that I didn’t feel that I could reach out to anyone for help without being ashamed and judged. I felt sad when my husband left and I took the kids away to the caravan park and even though they loved me and were there with me, the only thing I felt I had on my side was the alcohol and I spent the whole week, morning until night, just north of completely drunk. I feel disappointed about not being able to be there for my children in that moment in the way that I should have been their rock.

    I was afraid that I would never be able to stop, but also afraid that if I did stop I would finally have to acknowledge how afraid, alone, desperate and angry I felt. I get afraid of you when there seem to be no limits. When no matter how bad you feel or the damage that you seem to be doing to your body, you carry on. I feel scared when I think that you’re going to kill me and there is nothing that you are willing to do to save yourself. I’m afraid that I have left it too late to make a difference and that the damage may be irreversible and that my children and family will have to live with the pain of what I’ve done to myself.

    I’m sorry that I didn’t love myself enough to treat me with the tenderness and care that I would treat anybody else. I’m sorry for allowing my sense of loneliness and being unloved in my marriage break my spirit. Please forgive me for not protecting you the way that you deserved and for judging you so harshly when really what you needed was some understanding, self-love and a helping hand. I will be your helping hand now . I have you and I’m not going anywhere I didn’t mean to leave you to manage this alone. I should have reached out for help for you. That is what you needed and deserved.

    All I ever wanted was for you to feel happy and free and important. I forgot that all of those feelings are already within you. I wanted to shield you from the pain and loneliness but all I did was allow for those feelings to grow stronger. I want you to know that you are kind, intelligent and beautiful and deserve to be loved. By others but most of all by yourself.

    I understand that you were lost and didn’t see this problem growing until you were deep in it. You were not a problem drinker, you were just soothing yourself and didn’t consider that a poison can’t soothe you. I appreciate that you are committed now to working your way out of this problem and rebuilding a healthier happier way of living. I forgive you for hiding the truth. Thank you for stepping into the truth and being ready and willing to do everything that it takes to save your own life. I love you for your courage and I’m proud of you.

    I love you

  • #121128

    Participant

    Oh my God, resetgirl_41. That was beautiful. God bless you as you go forward. -K

  • #121167

    Participant

    Love this blast of honesty. Day 4 was hard for me too, especially forgiving myself. I hope you have achieved forgiveness to yourself resetgirl, You Do Deserve this. I reach out with love to your soul-HUGS!

  • #121214

    Participant

    Wow. I was on Day 22, but slipped and have come back to Day 4 to recover my footing and sobriety, hoping to see The Anonymous People documentary mentioned in the book. Though I do not find the video, I am grateful to find your thread now here. I see much of my own life in your honest words, resetgirl. Thank you for sharing your courage, forgiveness and self-care.

    • #121225

      Participant

      I’m afraid of slipping too. Esp with Thanksgiving coming up. What tips can you share as to why you slipped or what happened?

    • #121239

      Participant

      Remember it’s allowed to do this on your own schedule. the 30 days is a reboot of your system and a way to form new healthier habits. If you go away, come on baaacccckkkk!!! It is not a failure, it is a learning experience. Chap 14 and the relapse solution talks about this. I figure the same ole same ole will be there while I prove to myself that I don’t need it to function.

  • #121215

    Participant

    Oh, I know, GaiaCentral42. Isn’t resetgirl_41’s “Dear Me” letter amazing?! I’m sure it touched all those who read it here. It’s so important.

  • #121216

    Participant

    Thanks for sharing that…sending you light!

  • #121224

    Participant

    I am a parent too. Of a 4yo. Parenting is so hard. I’m a single mom with a very difficult ex. I thought a couple drinks made me more easy going. Then I was at half a liter of gin in a period of 4 hours. Want to be friends?

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