Husband drinks

This topic contains 18 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by

3 years, 10 months ago.

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  • #13021


    In the beginning of the book, it was suggested that we lock alcohol in order to keep it “away“ from our sight or from the ease to make bad decisions. I’m 20 days sober now and I see my husband drink EVERYDAY. He does not drink a lot, but there is alcohol in my face everyday. In my nose, in my eyes, I can almost taste it! Of course, he does not understand why I want so badly sobriety in my life. In the last 3-4 years we faced many challenges and my stress got out of control. I’m happy I began jogging last fall and I’m feeling much much better… But in the last months I felt like alcohol was a two side blade that did not help at all in the end. Even if I’m not a heavy drinker, I drink too often, and it’s not fun anymore. I needed to question myself about this habit. Questionning myself make me “judge” the way my husband drinks daily… I don’t like judging, but I think he could feel better if he cuts backs a bit. I guess my sobriety can inspire him. How do you cope with your surroundings drinking? It would help me so much if there was no booze in the house! But I have to live with it.

  • #13131


    Thank you for sharing. I have a similar issue with my partner. So much of our lives together have involved alcohol that it almost seems impossible to manage. Not only am I envious of his drinking (when he does it around me), but I also feel aggravated. And, in the end, somehow I’m the oddball because I’ve chosen to take my life back from alcohol. It just seems upside down to me.

  • #13136


    Dear Heathery1065, congrats on sober journey! Yes I do feel like the oddball too, even if I know I should’nt, but I’m beginning to feel less jealous of his drinks from day to day… If not jealous at all. When I feel the urge, I grab a zero alcohol beck’s or a grape juice in a wine glass! If not jealous, then I feel sad for him because with everything I read in the program I understand that he’s not helping himself. He does not see himself as a problem drinker, but for me, drinking everyday is a problem. My task is to let go and leave his problems to him. They do not belong to me. That’s hard, but it is my goal. As long as he behave correctly with the kids and me, I must let go. At least he is not a heavy drinker when there is no friends around so that helps. I’m on vacations right now and on day 26 of my new born sobriety (day 11 of the program). It’s kind of weird to be sober while on vacations, but I embrace every minute of it’s up and down. At least I’m true to myself.
    I hope everything will turn fine with your partner. 🙂

  • #13148


    An analogy I heard someone say: “When the oxygen masks drop in an airplane during an emergency, the attendants instruct you to put your mask on first, then your children’s.” In other words, help yourself and be an example and hopefully your spouse will follow. It takes strength and it’s worth it to show a life without alcohol is far more pleasurable, productive and healthy. Good luck.

  • #13149


    Thank you dcjohn for sharing this. I have heard also a saying that could be suited for dads as well, but what I heard was : “Happy healthy mom, happy healthy family”. So yes, I have the responsibility to put the oxygen mask first. I’m grateful I can do it and that I have this program to help me along the way.

  • #13331


    I can totally relate.My guy and I are weekend warrior, hard core binge drinker types.Same with my ex-husband who became an everyday extreme alcoholic/drug addict. For so long I felt the fear of others judging me if I decided NOT to drink!! I have been destroying my weekends for 30 years and Im DONE!! I feel so committed right now and I feel SOOO good. I have been using some tools of my own such as,,, when out with drinkers I can feel bad for them because they will feel like such S*&T tomorrow,,,and see my guy sleep in and feel fat and lifeless while I can just revel in my amazing good feeling and go for a run or clean the house> Im all smiles and I feel I got this!! I don’t know why it feels easier this time. This book is great and maybe I reached my bottom and its time to break the pattern. If this destroys the relationship,,,so be it. My spiritual life has become more important. keep going and you will gain more clarity and know what you need to do.Best wishes to you,,

  • #13337


    I agree. We have to focus on ourself and our choice to no longer let alcohol play an important role in our life. My husband drinks every day and it was something we did together. My changing that has created a challenge for us both but I have remained true to myself and that feels great! I realize I need to let him have his feelings. I am responsible for my own happiness, not his. I don’t need to be unkind but I do need to be firm in my resolve regardless of how he feels. If our partners get upset with our choice to not drink it may be because they are questioning themselves. All the more reason for us to be kind to them yet true to ourselves. I’m hanging in there with you all!

  • #13354


    Good point @ rainorshine! I think when we choose not to drink the real problem is that the other person has to question why they feel the need to drink. From what I’ve heard this is totally normal when one person in a couple stops. It’s even as subtle as when you have lunch or dinner with a friend. It feels odd to order a drink if the other person doesn’t. You immediately start wondering why they don’t want a drink and why you do. You wouldn’t question why they didn’t order the same meal as you. On some level we want to know that our desire to have a drink is normal but I never wonder which salad is more normal.

  • #13355


    Glad I checked back into the forum and saw these posts. My husband also drinks wine daily. Earlier this year, this past April, the program helped me achieve six weeks of sobriety and I was so happy and felt healthier then I had felt in years. After a vacation and then stressful jury duty, it was so easy to fall back into the daily wine habit! I like wine but now that I’m older, it certainly doesn’t like me. The book is coming back out. Tea time instead of wine time for me!

  • #13361


    Thanks for sharing Citrine! I sit here on Day 6 and think I will probably be able to be a normal/ occasional drinker when this concludes but I’m very aware that I could go back to the same place. I already feel so much happier and optimistic so I want to be very vigilant and am very open to scrapping it entirely.

    Strangely, alcohol seems to hit us differently as we get older. When I was in my early 40’s I noticed a dramatic difference in how it made me feel in terms of destroying my sleep and giving me a hangover after just 2 glasses of wine. I even had a conversation about it with a woman in the wine section of Trader Joes one day. Of course, we both still bought the wine. Some time has passed since then and my habits have just gotten worse. It helps to see where everyone else is at with this and how it’s been when they decided to try it again.

  • #13365


    Ladies/Fellow Travelors,

    I am a man whose wife led by the example you all are setting. I am over 5 months sober and honestly believe Dave and Jack and the 30DSS are God sent. And so is my wife.

    Your husband will find his own path. Just keep being that light for him. If he hasn’t had his blood work done in a while you can suggest doing it as a general health suggestion. His triglycerides and liver enzymes will identify if he has a problem. You and the Dr. know the answer.
    I drink a lot of flavored fizzy water or add lime wedges. And I eat healthy snacks to keep blood sugar up especially in the afernoons, and I tap. It’s good for him to see all the little things you are doing to feel great. Stay the course. You’re doing great. God bless you:)

  • #13370


    Good evening everyone, I’m so glad to read you all. Thank you for sharing all your insights, it helps me so much. I had a terrible afternon at the beach and night at my friend’s… I’m 37 days sober and for the first time of this journey I felt like sh*t being surrounded by all my friends drinking. My husband had to tell everyone I was off alcohol, sober for a while, as if it was a sickness he had to apologize for… I would like to be as incognito as I can be but he feels he has to say it to everyone… It made me feel like… Ah. I truly feel I can be happy, party like, even when sober. But not when I have to explain myself about it. For the first time tonight I felt like I won’t be able to succeed… I felt like a failure, even if I did’nt drank a drop. Just because I was’nt thriving in sobriety and I just felt like I wanted to be home alone, in peace. I’m glad my husband does’nt drink a lot, he drinks daily but in very small amount. In the last few days I began to feel more grounded, more serene, more connected and zen. I don’t understand why the sight of a white wine glass just got me K.O. today. I just don’t get it because I feel so much better approaching day 40 of sobriety. Am I gonna crave this poison all my life, even knowing it harms me?

  • #13377


    @jmsrlc – thanks for sharing. That is very inspiring!

  • #13386


    Namastenicky, I would be K.O by the sight of a white wine glass too if I experienced what you did. It makes sense that you felt like a failure when your husband announced that you were off alcohol, sober for a while. Note that that is NOT one of the suggested reasons given by Dave and Jack that we use for avoiding alcohol in social situations. That comment was not supportive and it’s totally understandable that you felt like a failure. I hope you can talk to your husband about how he can better support you in the future. Your not drinking is your business and nobody else’s. Kudos to you for being able to “party” sober along with people who are drinking. The longer you go without drinking the more likely you are to stop craving or even thinking about alcohol. I have been there. I went back to drinking and turned to the 30 day book because I wanted to feel good about myself again. Hang in there Namastenicky. You are not alone.

  • #13391


    Thank you so much rain or shine. Your words are a blessing to me this morning.

    • #13393


      Nicky -I am that husband years ago (meaning inconsiderate). Have a conversation with your husband (not a text or a letter – I hated it when my wife would write me letters that I would wake up to after drinking too much the night before). Let him know how you felt and that you are now pursuing a positive exciting venture. He may not respond the way you want right away but he will realize he was wrong in his behavior and because you’re his wife. You are a team. And you support each others pursuits.

      He doesn’t want to believe you won’t drink any more. Your stopping drinking is a threat to his long time friend, alcohol. Alcohol still represents fun and relaxation to him. He wants you to drink to validate his drinking. If he drinks every day he has an intimate relationship with alcohol. I drank all my adult life 30+ years. If he doesn’t want to stop drinking he won’t. Now your stopping is not only threatening but deep down it makes him feel guilty. Let him know you won’t hold his drinking against him and he shouldn’t hold your not drinking against you. At some point in his life he will more than likely need to stop like the rest of us. Drinking alcohol is clearly not good for our health and that is a realization that he will need your help to embrace. Now get some LaCroix or Pellegrino water and put it next to the beer in the fridge. Get iced tea and lemonade and put it near the wine. Have an Arnold Palmer or fizzy water when he drinks alcohol. Your drinks will be more refreshing and have little or no calories. Drink it often so he sees how enjoyable it is. Stay excited, stay strong. Life is good, and even better without alcohol. God bless you:)

  • #13411


    You are all such a blessing! I could’nt expect that much understanding, wisdom and kind words. I’m so lucky I’m in it with you all! I take note of all your tips and nice words, they fill up an empty space inside me. Thanks to you all. God bless you 🙂

  • #13422


    To jmsrlc and mamastenicky. It feels great to be supported by others on this path. You are so welcome namastenicky and you are an inspiration and blessing to me as well. jmsrlc, your perspective is very helpful. It affirms that living my truth (that I feel better without alcohol), is the best (and possibly the only) way to help my husband change his relationship to alcohol. It takes courage and patience but we are strong and we can do it! I started the book on Aug 1 so yesterday was 30 days for me. I feel like I am just getting started and feel inspired to thrive in sobriety. I love it and I know I can do it! Staying connected with you all really helps. Thank you!

    • #13425


      Congratulations Rainorshine on 30 days! The tale below is quoted somewhere in the book. I remember the first time I read it years ago it gave me chills. I did not realize the “evil wolf” craved alcohol.

      A Cherokee Legend
      An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
      “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
      The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
      The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.” (end)

      The “good wolf” is your true self (core beliefs). Don’t feed the evil wolf. It’s like giving a dog something that will make him sick. He’s always begging but you know what’s best for him. Feed him healthy food and treats.

      The reconciliation of the wolves is important in my sobriety. The evil wolf started out with good intentions. He drank to have fun and relax. But the fun stopped and relaxation turned to anxiety. And now without alcohol he is much better behaved. He apologized for the unintended harm he did and I accepted the apology. And we wept together. He is forgiven. All is well. Have a blessed day:)

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