I am married to the impossible


This topic contains 19 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by

8 months, 2 weeks ago.

  • Author
  • #39339


    I can go through the exercise and write a letter to myself (and I have) but who I am most angry at is my husband. But it is not his fault. I cannot blame my drinking on him, it is my sole responsibility. I feel like I am in an impossible situation. My husband’s drinking is worse than mine and I can’t even have a conversation about him stopping, nor do I even care, I am caring about me first right now. But, this will get harder and harder if he doesn’t at least cut down his drinking. My family, his family, they are all heavy drinkers. I am surrounded by them and will receive no support for this. I am mild compared to the others. Can anyone else relate and what have you done? I am having a hard time imagining my marriage surviving if I stop drinking and he doesn’t

  • #63785


    Yes I have had a similar situation. I left him and it took a long time. I repeatedly tried to change him. Finally my drinking got worse and there was no choice but to leave it was so awful.
    But now that the relationship is gone I can finally quit drinking.
    I always knew this too shall pass and it did. Be brave!

    • #75963


      I am in the same boat you are my fiancΓ© is an active alcoholic. I don’t even think he has noticed that I quit drinking although it has been 11 days. I have used him as an excuse to drink before and have tried to blame things on him but it boils down to me. After I wrote my letter to him (that I didn’t give him), I realized I was really angry with myself. It wasn’t until I wrote that letter to myself that I was able to accept the place he was in and could focus on me. Anyways, good luck

  • #70019


    @dreamingflower thank you for responding! I have, since that message I posted, had a long talk with my husband, and while he is being very supportive of me, has no intention of stopping drinking. He has cut down considerably in front of me though. We’ll see…I am 11 days in to this program and I can’t wait to see what 30 days brings!
    What day are you on?

    • #70655


      That sounds good. Having that talk at least opened the discussion and he is responding! Main thing is for you to keep going no matter what and when he sees your new self separate from him things will get clearer for both I would think.
      My man was so mean that I finally had to give up.I could not separate myself from him and therefore kept drinking. Not good.
      I am on day 5 and a little shaking. Not that I even want to drink but my life situation seem so impossible that it is hard to believe that things will get better . but I am committed and it just might be that this is true.

  • #120458


    My husband is also still drinking. he did stop last week for 4 days but that seems to be his max. He’s not said anything to me about my stopping (I’m on day 29 and feel great). It’s currently 10:25 am- he won’t be up till at least noon πŸ™
    I just keep doing my thing and he his and our teen aged son does his thing. It’s all pretty messed up and disjointed. Definitely NOT a healthy situation…I’m very interested in how the above posters’ situations have turned out and of course I am open to any advice and or book titles. I understand as long as e choses booze he’s not choosing to be present and not choosing his family. Any further insight is more than welcome.
    (There’s no physical abuse, and I usually stay away to avoid dumb drunk talk fights)

    Thank-you very much

  • #120461


    Hi mishelle! Seems like a long time ago when I wrote this original post! I will be on day 100!! on Saturday and I am happy to say that my husband did stop drinking with me and is about 15 days behind me. My husband did the same, at the beginning he said he would not stop and then cut down and then said he would stop, first just for 30 days. I did not pressure him at all but I did let him know that I could not see how this all plays out if he keeps drinking and I wasn’t. For him, it was a doctors visit that also pushed him. His blood pressure was very high and that was more reason for him then simply me not drinking. I’m going on my own theory but I think men need a health scare sometimes. I also had said to him that I am NOT doing this for just 30 days. He claims he wanted to support me too.
    It has been an interesting journey. We have had the whole summer in front of us, family reunions, parties, vacations – all the things that were very focused on drinking. It became laser clear to me how much alcohol played a role in my life. It relieved my boredom, it was an activity, it was my friend. I have almost gone through a mourning period over it. Having my husband to talk to about it has been huge but while I am reading every book I can get my hands on and in every chat room related to not drinking, he just “effortlessly” stopped.
    I understand where you are at right now and I imagine you are feeling sad about it and frustrated. I imagine too that drinking was an activity you did with your husband and it is kind of a loss. Would you ever consider therapy? Would he? Whatever happens DO NOT let him ruin all your good efforts!! 30 days is amazing, its the hardest physically, but the next 30 days will feel even better. You will go through all sorts of emotions – keep journaling!! That has saved me. I journal still almost everyday.
    As far as resources – Annie Grace’s This Naked Mind is great (she has a 30 day challenge too), Hip Sobriety (website), and Daybreak (an app that is a chat room, I am on there almost every day, you get tons of support from other Daybreaker’s). And journaling, keep it front of mind and get it out on paper.
    I hope this all helps!! Message me again, I would love to see how you are doing!

    • #120531


      Thanks for the app & website suggestions πŸ™‚

  • #120467


    Hi Heartherpc
    I read your post a few days ago and couldn’t respond as I was in tears. I’m in tears again.
    I just wanted to say thank-you so very much for your kind, promising encouraging words so desperately needed.
    I was in therapy but my sessions ended. I will seek out more.
    no, I’ve asked and asked for “husband” to do couples’ therapy, he makes like he will…Then when I bring up a therapists name or talk about an apt he backs off- he’s happy to send me though!

    I think I finally realize after 26 yrs together I just don’t make him happy and have recently seriously considered offering him to seek out companionship with other women. We don’t sleep together and so very rarely are intimate. There just seems to be no connection any more. I personally am NOT interest in other men but I want him to be happy. (I guess that’s a whole other can of worms)

    I very much appreciate the titles and sites you mention and will check them out. This site is great but it seems very inactive??

    I’m on day 32 today and try to be proud and happy for myself but I have no one to share my accomplishment with…Except 30day solution site πŸ˜‰ so it’s pretty lonely…

    After I quit drinking I lost my job (not alc related and very very unexpected) That’s pretty depressing too. And my 25 yr old daughter’s boyfriend of 3 yrs has cancer on his liver πŸ™
    I guess it’s all just a lot right now.

    Thanks again for your post and support. I’ll check out more therapy, the sites and books and really focus on the work in this book. I’ll put more energy into journalling and will believe what you say about the next 30 days πŸ˜‰

    It’s GREAT for me to hear success stories πŸ™‚

    Wishing you all the best,


  • #120513


    Congratulations @mishelle on your accomplishment! Excellent! And, therapy is good and fine. I’ve gone in a few times over the past, say, 4o years, especially when I was in my early 20s. Last year I just went in for 2 appointments and that was actually enough. I was glad to have someone in place in case I really went south mentally. I didn’t fall apart (there was an awful lot going on), and I attribute it to the fact that I’ve also been working on my relationship these past many years with, guess who? God! I have even been reading the Bible for awhile now, and am really getting a handle on it. I’d say … Go for the gold! That’s where all the power is! I actually think that is the reason we’re here … to connect to our Lord. I see this site is starting to fill up with another spam attack, and I guess I’ve been wanting to write this type of post for awhile now. Blessings to you in your life and in your family. You should feel very proud of your efforts this month. I’m pleased with my efforts and hope I continue with being responsible towards my health. Who knows? I could have another 30 years to go! Or more, the way science is moving! In the words of my dear ‘ole dad … You done good! -k

  • #120514


    Hi mishelle! First, I know, this website seems a bit desolate and I’m not sure why. Many times I wondered where everyone was??? I totally understand how lonely this road can be – my friends and family are all drinkers and when you say you are not drinking they want to go to all sorts of places – disappointment that you’re not drinking with them, conclusions that you really have a “huge” problem, they get uncomfortable. And then throw in your husband not encouraging, or seeming to care…

    I’m sorry about the issues you are having with your husband. I totally understand because I have more than been there with mine, we have certainly had periods of some really bad times where I wondered if we just need to end things. Him not drinking right now is an enormous turnaround and I don’t really have a good explanation for it. I hope you can make peace with whatever the outcome, and I am more than happy to listen, especially when it comes to the struggles with not drinking. And the successes. You SHOULD be extremely proud of yourself! I had a thought, around day 30, that this was one of the kindest things I have ever done for myself. Yes, for my kids, and my health, etc. but I have struggled with this debate around drinking/not drinking for so long, half my life it seems, and to finally take charge of it, and let go of the debate in my head around “moderation” (can I have just one? when? what is moderation anyway?), or wonder if I am going to embarrass myself, or say something stupid, or wake up with a hangover and ruin my day, has been so freeing.

    I would absolutely dial into This Naked Mind, if you have finished this book, she has a 30 day Alcohol Experiment that also has a more active chat room. But I would read her book first, she comes from a little bit of a different perspective. I am on Daybreak all the time, you have to pay for it but you can post anything related to drinking, relationships, etc and you will get feedback within minutes from a group of very supportive people. And it is good to see where others are at.

    Not to get all new agey, but I think the universe is throwing a lot at you right now – stopping drinking, your marriage, your job, your daughter’s boyfriend. I know for me that once I stopped drinking I had to look at a lot too. But I feel like I am doing it with more clarity. When I was drinking, drinking was a #1 activity and then working through the hangovers became sort of an activity too. It took up so much of my time. For better or for worse, having this extra time is making me look at some other stuff in my life. I’m not saying this has been easy, but I think it is ultimately good.

    I am happy to email more if you want to if your email is available in your profile… let me know how you are doing!

  • #120516


    thank-you both very much for your support and kind words. It truly helps.
    Last night I stayed home with our 16 yr old and watched Netflix. πŸ™‚

    My husband went drinking downtown on his own to a jazz bar- came home rocked at 2 am…Started
    cooking in the kitchen- whatever.
    It’s now after 12 pm and he’s still in bed…

    Before I went to bed I had literally 2 sips of apple cider (with alcohol) NOT in front of my son.
    This morning I swear I could feel it in my sinuses and in my head. The stuff was extremely bubbly and I was honestly fine with only having the 2 sips. It came in a screw top bottle. i will refrain of having more.

    I really like what you said about this (quitting alc) being the kindest thing you’ve done for yourself.
    It’s very much true for me also…Though I hadn’t thought of it that way. Thanks- I will now think of it that way.

    And you’re both right, I should feel extremely proud of myself. It’s been a long time since i’ve quit for this long, and I’ve been wanting to for a long time.

    I feel like a bit of a baby and sorta need someone to pat me on the back or offer some kind of reward…Obviously my husband is not that person. In fact he’s still bringing up old crap that I’ve done while under the influence rather than congratulating me on my sobriety…

    It’s true too how liberating it is to not have to spend all of that mental energy…Should I drink? How much? If I buy some will it be enough to get me through the night? Does the teller recognize me? And of course the feeling like crap the next day. Our poor bodies and minds.
    I’ll order the Naked Mind and check back in tomorrow.

    thanks so much


    • #120519


      Hi mishelle, I don’t think you’re a baby for wanting some acknowledgment for this difficult but wonderful thing that you are doing. Boy, it seems like you have a lot coming at you right now. I think what you are doing is amazing. Your story and posts inspire me to hang in there. I’m on day 15. Yesterday I went to my daughters soccer game without a water bottle full of alcohol in my purse. It was great not to worry about when and where and how much I was going to drink. It took up so much energy and brain power. It is also true that it frees up time to have to look at the hard things in my life. For me it is my health. I have had chronic liver disease for years now and I totally choose to ignore it. I wont go to the dr. Despite their repeated attempts to get me to come in. I just can’t face it yet. For you to stay on the road to sobriety in the face of all your challenges is truly awesome! I’m thankful to everyone here for the posts you share. It can be kind of desolate sometimes, I’m going to check out the other resources that heatherpc suggested too. I hope everyone is having a great day! Thank you for sharing your story.

  • #120518


    Hey ! For anyone else out there that’s reading and struggling Annie Grace also has a free podcast you can listen to ! This Naked Mind

  • #120527


    “It was great not to worry about when and where and how much I was going to drink. It took up so much energy and brain power” Omg, this is SO true…And after my 30 days i had 2 sips of hard cider- that’s all, I didn’t feel like I wanted more…Until the next day. Then all evening I had to “fight” with myself to not have more…In the end I didn’t but it wasn’t easy. Especially knowing it was there, in the fridge with its screw top lid…

    bchan672 it’s GREAT you didn’t have alc at the soccer game πŸ™‚ YAY!!
    I totally understand about being fearful of going to the doctor’s…But if there is something it’s probably better it’s caught early. Plus now that you’ve stopped drinking the body can start to repair itself…

    Hope all’s well with everyone!

    wishing you strength and sobriety πŸ™‚


    • #120537


      Good for you mishelle. That must be very difficult. I don’t think I could stand to have liquor around and not drink it. Your situation with the people around you still drinking must be hard. You’re doing an awesome thing for yourself and your family. Hang in there, and thanks for the encouragement. I might go to the dr. After the 30 days. Right now I’m just concentrating on staying sober. I hope everyone is doing well tonight.

  • #120536


    Hi @michelle… I tried the Daybreak app @heatherpc mentioned, and Yes, it’s very active. Hope you are doing well. It can get confusing once you make the 30 day goal. Then it’s like “am I free to drink or not”. It’s probably why I seem to be going from one reboot to the next this year. Today is day 8/reboot 4.

  • #121382


    Hi Mishelle. I’m late to the party here. I just started day 4 and going through past posts. I sort of did this in reverse order than other that have commented here. I first left my wife, (she has her own issues with HC) then I got the urge to stop drinking.

    I would be interested in your progress. My best wihes and thoughts are with all of you.

    • #121385


      Hi na5hbi1160, I got your message, it’s Heather, not Mishelle. I am doing great! I am on day 215 today and my world without alcohol has opened wide. It took me about 6 months though to feel really great without it but changes happened quickly. DON’T let that discourage you! The whole thing is a process, just be super patient with yourself. When I wrote this original post back in May, my husband was still drinking. He jumped in with me and stopped which was an enormous support. Since then he has drank a few times, and at first, I felt really disappointed and now I could care less! His drinking is not about me. My experience is my own. He still is not drinking regularly but honestly, I don’t care even if he was. I feel so good right now mentally, emotionally and physically. I am NOT saying that every day is a perfect day and it took a LONG time to work through breaking the habit of alcohol. That was a big lightbulb moment – how ingrained it is in my life. I STILL get triggered. Every day there is a reason to want it. The difference is that I DON’T do it. I have learned to breathe through it, and not jump on instant gratification It passes. The benefits are huge, keep going!

  • #121386


    Hi, This is dreamingflower
    Your post comes at a perfect time. I have been slipping slightly and am back on track!
    There was something in me that just did not care so I drank but now after doing the 1st two days of the program am back on track! You are right the benefits are huge to not drink.
    Thank you !!

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

  • Register Here

    If you would like more information about The 30-Day Solution Companion Website before registering you can learn all about it HERE.

  • Available Now at Your Favorite Online Retailers!

    "The 30-Day Sobriety Solution is an amazing step-by-step program for getting your drinking (or any addiction) under control. It uses the latest and greatest methods for overcoming addictions." β€”Jonathan Robinson, M.A., M.F.T., former clinical director of the National Council of Alcohol and Drug Abuse (in Santa Barbara, CA.)

    Get the Audio Book

    Read by Jack Canfield & Dave Andrews

    "Jack Canfield and Dave Andrews have released a penetrating wind of possibilities that will blow open the shuttered windows and locked doors of addiction recovery that can never be closed again."β€”Dr. Jean LaCour, Co-founder of the NET Training Institute Center for Addiction and Recovery Education

    Order the audiobook today by clicking the retailers below:

    • rbutton_amazon
    • rbutton_BN
    • audible
    • AnazonCA

    For more information or to contact us, please email:Β support@the30daysolution.com

    For more information or to contact us, please see 30Day.Support