Home Page › All Forums › Day 27 – The Love & Relationship Solution Community Forum › I need some friends
June 14, 2016 at 6:44 am #12025Participant
Am I too lazy to get out there? Maybe I’ve been sitting on the couch for so long I don’t know what else to do? I have a few ideas though. Wish me luck.
June 14, 2016 at 4:50 pm #12033Participant
Good luck! Just moving around and getting out there helps you feel better. Even if you’re not making friends, exposure to people and new concepts is installing a thin layer of foundation.
June 15, 2016 at 9:53 am #12047Participant
steph_moves_on64 . . . hope you find what you’re looking for. No matter what, it seems that it is good to be moving in some ways. Circulation of new thoughts, ideas, muscles, friend, nature, etc. — The flow of life, what ever that means to one.
Best as you venture forward.
September 19, 2016 at 8:50 pm #13774Participant
I can relate to this. I moved to a new city 10 years ago. During that time I have been out of town a lot for work. Most of the friends I have made have been people from my complex. I guess it goes along with getting older, but many turn out to have excessive drinking, pot smoking or Rx pill issues. Some you think you know and then discover how very odd they are and you actually need to keep them at arms length. It becomes tougher to make new friends when most people are married with kids and completely involved in family life. That was a problem before I moved as well. There tends to be a slow divide once people have kids and you don’t. Then I found that my single friends wanted to go out, get drunk and drag some cute, young bartender home. I definitely didn’t want to part of that pack so I separated off from that.
It’s definitely challenging to forge new friendships at this stage of life but I need to join some hiking groups and stuff along those lines where people are more health and activity oriented.
September 20, 2016 at 6:50 am #13778Participant
I have not posted much but get a lot out of reading the posts. I want to thank people such as riveragirl that post regularly. It is great that you share your experiences for everyone’s benefit. I do have friends that live healthy lives. One of the problems is that I am so ashamed of my secret drinking that I don’t feel like they really know me. I also feel like they would judge me if they knew because some of them do make desparaging remarks about alcoholics. I often feel like a fraud when I laugh along with them or am silent, but I am too afraid to ever expose my problem, true self, to them. Therefore, I often feel different, not connected to others. Fortunately I do have encouraging, non-judgmental, loving siblings. I want to live a more truthful existence but I don’t know if I will ever have the courage to be truthful about my drinking with my “friends”.
September 20, 2016 at 7:30 am #13779Participant
Liza, do you think you could open up to them once you feel more solid in your non-drinking life? I would imagine they mostly serve as good role models in terms of having healthier interests. When you really feel like you have a handle on your drinking, or decide you no longer want to, you will no longer be different than them.
It may not be necessary to share that with them anyway. All friends do not have to be everything to us. I read a post from someone when I first got started here who was concerned about what colleagues thought when she didn’t drink at happy hour since she had been known for that. My advice was you do not owe it to your co-workers to explain anything about what you’re doing or why beyond a basic explanation. That could end up causing co-workers to become judgmental and in some way damage the working relationship. My point is there are places where you can discuss this issue but you certainly don’t have to share it with everyone in your life if it hasn’t created some outward problem that needs to be cleaned up.
My guess is there are actually more people who are drinking more than they should be as we get older and we are just not aware. Some of the stories in the book and posts I’ve read in the forums have shed some light in that so you may not be as alone as you think.
September 20, 2016 at 7:43 am #13780Participant
Hi Rivieragirl. Thank you so much for your response. Your advice is great. It is true that all friends do not have to be everything to us. I am sure that you will meet new friends by joining some activity groups. I have met great friends after moving communities by playing sports. I am in my fifties and have found that a lot of the women I know are more focused on pursing activities they enjoy now that their children have grown and their work commitments are reduced. It can be a wonderful time in life (without drinking, I am learning). I am on day 8 of the program, 15 days without drinking and feel more hopeful than I have in years. Hugs, Liza
October 20, 2016 at 2:33 pm #14731Participant
I am in a similar situation because I lost all my friends ad became a hermit drinking alone at the house.
I am 35 and sometimes feel maybe its too late to make friends now and that everyone is already paired up like a game of musical chairs.
But it is helpful to remember that after 30 days sober you are a NEW PERSON. So maybe it was true that the old you (the drunk) had a hard time making friends. But our sobriety gives us a new lease on life and a clean slate.
Think of somany people who get transferred to another state with a new job and they are able to set new roots in the soil and build friendships. And the good thing is that you just need to make “one friend” and then you will get introduced to their circle of friends and wil have more and more people in your life. Make sure you say YES to invitations (unless it is to a bar or a crackhouse)
And dont wait around to “be invited” just invite yourself. Put yourself out there
Go to meetup.com and see which activities interest you and show up to the meetups and you will meet new people. Start a conversation with somebody at the line in the supermarket.
Give compliments to people and as they say “Be a friend if you want to make a friend”
There are alot of books that teach the skills to make new friends, to influence people and the power of charm. Read the books. Making friends is a skill (just like playing guitar, dancing, fixing computers and so forth). And because it is a skill it must be practiced and then perfected.
Think about those 25 year olds who go to Europe to stay at hostels and go backpacking and they dont know a single soul yet they travel halfway across the world. I am inspired that I can make friends here in my own city if those kids can fly to Europe and make friends.
I have alot to offer. I will make new friends. Why not? Its one of the gifts of sobriety.
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