My 2nd relapse story

This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by

 
Participant
2 years, 1 month ago.

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  • #18713

    Participant

    Hey this is my first post here and is my 2nd time going through the book. I’ll apologize ahead of time for the long post but I relapsed again and just wanted to get it off my chest and see if there are any tips to help me. This weekend was a long weekend and me and Victoria (my fiancé) started it off by driving 6 hours to go camping with her family for a family reunion. I was planning on continuing my sobriety while camping and did not buy any booze, and had been visualizing the last few days how I would not drink this weekend and how I would be happy being sober. I was not really looking forward to this trip as I didn’t find it the most exciting way to spend my weekend, and was a bit nervous because this was the first time I would be meeting a lot of Victoria’s, family but at the same time was fine with going and knew it would be ok. We got there and set up our tent then was just hanging around the campfire and talking. I was offered a beer a couple times and declined the offer. As the day went on I noticed I started having more and more of a craving for a drink. Mostly I think for one because I was a bit bored and also because I saw everyone else was having a drink and I thought it might help relax me and help with the boredom. At around 6:00 everyone decided to play beersbie and I decided that I would have at least 1 beer and see what happens after that. I drank my beer fairly slowly then had a 2nd one around 45 min later. After that we went back to the campfire and I slowly started drinking a few more beers. By the end of the night around 11:00 I had 5 beers total. So around 5 beers in 5 hours. I didn’t feel really drunk, just a bit of a buzz and didn’t have any desire to drink anymore. I didn’t sleep well that night with being the first time in years sleeping in a tent and woke up the next morning quite tired and sore. After driving home that day for 6 hours I was very tired and starting to feel quite irritable and moody, and depressed. I got home and went to sleep around an hour after and that was my whole sunday. On monday I woke up and just felt sad and kinda out of it. Victoria left to go hang out with her friend and I was sitting in bed that morning with no motivation to do anything and felt to bored to even try playing any video games or watch anything or do anything. I don’t know why but for some reason all of a sudden something clicked in my head and I just randomly decided on the spot that I was going to go buy some whiskey. I instantly noticed that I internally made the decision and was trying to bring up some good points from the book on why I shouldn’t drink and how it won’t make me feel any better and that I am going to regret this decision. Oddly enough I just acknowledged all the thoughts and feelings that this is a horrible idea and told myself I know it won’t make anything better and I am going to regret doing it but I am still going to buy that whiskey, and that was the end of it. I feel bad because I didn’t even put up much of a fight to not drink and I didn’t even have a huge craving to drink but something just changed in my mind and told myself that today I was going to drink. Looking back on it I think this possibly happened because I was feeling like the long weekend had been mostly a waste of just driving and then sitting at the campfire and I was thinking that drinking would at least make 1 memorable day out of the long weekend. So the reasons leading up to this I think are that I was bored, by myself, feeling down, feeling like I deserved some fun, and just didn’t really care even though I knew it was a bad idea. This is going back to my limiting beliefs I am trying to get rid off that drinking equals fun, and that I need it to feel happy and reduce stress, and that I sometimes deserve a drink. So yah I went out and bought 2 small mickeys (200ml) of rum. After I started drinking the rum I felt myself becoming a bit sedated but not feeling much better and still didn’t have much motivation to do anything. I remember thinking “see I told you drinking wouldn’t make you feel any better what a stupid idea this was”. When Victoria got home I started feeling a little better and was drinking some more of the rum which was getting me a bit drunker and feeling in a little better of state of mind. All of a sudden I started getting really horny and then started making out with victoria which led to some pretty awesome sex. After the sex I felt really good but was also fearful because doing this was feeding my limiting belief that sex is better when drunk. I had to really carefully look at how I was feeling and try get that limiting belief out of my head because I know that I have much better sex when I am sober and it wasn’t because of the booze that we had great sex. I ended up getting another mickey of whiskey before the night was over and also went out to a restaurant with my family to celebrate my brothers newly announced engagement. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful and I passed out fairly early around 8-9:00. The next morning I of course woke up with a hangover just feeling like shit and no motivation to go to work. I was trying to not get to down on myself and be optimistic this morning since I know feeling bad for myself and being negative about this situation will only cause me to want to drink again. Instead of asking myself why did I slip and get drunk again or why was I so stupid to do that yesterday I remember what the book said and asked myself instead. How can I look at this experience and learn from it, and how can I install excitement, happiness, and fun into my sobriety? I also caught myself saying that I hated myself for drinking and I stopped myself and instead tried telling me that I love myself and I accept and forgive myself for what I did. One other thing I noticed when I decided to drink was that the book might almost sometimes make relapse to easy of a thing to do because I was thinking it’s ok I can drink and the next day I won’t feel bad or beat myself up about this and I will write in my journal and review the solutions and love myself and I will get over this relapse and get back to sobriety after today. I know the book really does help with relapse and without it I would probably continue with my drinking after a slip up but I did notice that I seemed to use it as an excuse to relapse and that it will be ok to relapse because the book will help get me back on track. I don’t know if that is a bad thing or not but just something I noticed happening. I really poured myself into the solutions for this day and started feeling a lot better and that I was going to get back on track and put this relapse behind me and continue forward with my sobriety. However when I got home that night Victoria was in bed and seemed really sad and wasn’t really saying anything to me and I started to feel depressed again and started thinking maybe something I did is causing her to be sad. I remembered what the book said about not assuming and to ask what’s wrong which I did but she said nothing was wrong she was just tired, but I could tell it was something else. With me feeling depressed and not sure how to handle what was going on with Victoria I told her I was going to go pick up food which I did but also bought another small bottle of whiskey and drank again that night. The whiskey didn’t really do anything except numb me out, but definitely didn’t make me feel and better. I woke up this morning feeling just really angry and depressed. I was angry at myself for drinking again and depressed that I am slowly slipping back to my old habits and that even though I read the book and did my solutions and felt a lot better during the day, at night when the slightest challenge came my way I went back to drinking. This was especially disappointing to me because I was 27 days sober and feeling great and really getting amazing insights about myself and changing how I was thinking and acting to thrive in sobriety and now this happens and I just feel a bit hopeless. I know and believe I can pick myself up and continue with my sobriety but just feeling kind of knocked down a peg, and was looking for some insight, tips, or encouragement to help me get over this relapse. Sorry again for the long length of this post.

  • #18721

    Participant

    Geezer @hagonna ! Get a hold of yourself man! Your story sounds like the story Dave Andrews told about the last time he drank! Where he woke up covered in vomit afraid he might have choked to death on his own vomit.
    Yes, your story is serving as a “cautionary tale”. Just dust yourself off and get back on the Sober Coaster again. I agree the easy way is to drink, numb, have “fun”….the cost is self respect, worry about the damage done, and more. Another good resource is called SMART RECOVERY. THey have an awesome Handbook, available from Amazon, or on their Website, it can be a great companoon tool for the 30DSS, please don’t give up!!!! The only way you can fail is to give up!
    Thanks so much for sharing here….
    And you are right….Sober Sex is much better!!!! Drunken sex only SEEMS better….I mean how great can it be if one partner falls asleep before it’s over! 😂

  • #18722

    Participant

    And I truly hope you don’t go off the deep end…as it sounds like you may! I did “friend ” you on your page.. just tap on your screen name and you’ll see. Dunno if you even want Sobriety at this point….is your sweet Victoria aware of the extent of your quandary?
    IMO, it’s only fair to let her know before it’s too late! If you love her, set her free! That is, if you decide not to address this life changing issue asap….forgive me if I’ve said too much! Onward! Sina

    • #18730

      Participant

      No I haven’t gone off the deep end and for sure still want sobriety. I have picked myself up and continued on with the book and am back on the road to thriving in sobriety. Victoria knows about my addiction and has been very helpful in the past. I have not let her know about my relapse yet as I am quite ashamed with it and know how much it would disappoint her. I am feeling much better and confident now though and will be continuing with the book. Thanks for the suggestion of the smart recovery book I will definitely look into getting that.

  • #18723

    Participant

    Hang in there and just don’t give up. For me, the early days are hard and what I’ve used as a tool is antabuse. It’s my way of committing myself 100 percent. Also, remember your not starting over at day 1. Everything done on this path is cumulative.

  • #18747

    Participant

    Definitely pull up that bonus solution from Day 14 – The Relapse Solution, if you haven’t already. “Everyone who goes from being a problem drinker to being sober ‘falls down’ at some point.” Everyone’s path is different. No one is perfect. Separate it from shame. Glad to read that you are back to working the book. Just keep trying!

    ~ Aspiring Reformed Party Girl
    Day 47 Sober / Day 20 Program

  • #18787

    Participant

    I feel your struggle… I have just recently relapsed after only two weeks of sobriety. I had been so happy in sobriety, but I caved anyway. I have realized I cannot be around others that drink… I will give in and I will not be able to stop, day after day, without any real excuse. I was supposed to stop today but I was feeling so crappy, I made myself a “hairy dog” which I know will just lead me down a path of all day drinking *sigh* I am embarrassed to tell my husband every time he asks me, “did you drink today”. I feel so broken… I was so proud of myself during the few weeks I was sober. I am going to try and get my brain together and read the book and hope I can stick to it.

    • #18815

      Participant

      I know that feeling all to well of going to events or being with others where I can not control myself and feel like I have to drink. Some hair of the dog was my go to when feeling crappy from drinking the night before. I know its a tough cycle to get out of but as you probably know from the book its never to late to get back on track. Even just a couple days ago I had another relapse but I am not going to let them control me and give me an excuse to keep on drinking. I have gone back to my old drinking ways numerous times and I know once you start it gets very hard to get back on track. The only things I can recommend is if you haven’t done so already do the bonus relapse solution on day 14. I have done the solution a few times and it definitely helps putting your relapse into perspective and get you excited about being sober again. Don’t beat yourself up about it and if you can just force yourself to read the next chapter and really pour yourself into the solutions. Once you do that you will have a feeling of accomplishment and will be in the mindset that you are back at it getting sober again and might be the first little step forward you need to getting back on track to thriving in sobriety. Best wishes to you, hang in there you can do it!

  • #18816

    Participant

    Thank you… I will read through it. Unfortunately, I am caught in that terrible cycle again. I know I need to get through just one day and it will be easy again. Getting there is so difficult!

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