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September 8, 2018 at 1:21 pm #120775Participant
I am so fed up with myself, my actions. I am angry with myself that I keep failing and I really hate myself for it. I just keep doing the same harmful things and I am ruining my life. I can’t lose weight because I keep drinking and I am stuck in a never ending cycle of guilt and shame. I have had enough and I do not want to deal with this person anymore. I suck as this person. I am angry that I let my brother and cousin abuse me for so many years. I am angry that I let so many men after that take advantage of me because I felt like that was all I had to offer them.
I have caused myself so much unnecessary pain over the past years. The constant disappointment with repeated failed attempts at sobriety just make me more and more angry with myself. I have hurt my kids too by not being 100% there. I am losing out on memories and time with them and that is the saddest thing ever. I am missing out on good men by pushing them away.
I have created so much self-doubt within myself because of all the shame. Shame is a constant negative feeling, a feeling of emptiness that I am addicted to and afraid that I cannot get rid of. I am scared that if I do not start loving myself now that I will never stop drinking and I will never be happy. I am afraid that I am teaching my children that they are not worthy of love because that is what they see in me. I am afraid that I will never have a relationship and no man will ever be able to love me.
I am apologizing to myself for not taking care of me. I am truly sorry. I have to own all the decisions that I made. While my childhood trauma played a large part, it was me that made the decisions. I make the decision everytime to drink. I make the decision to let men use me. I make the decision to buy alcohol at the store. I tell myself I am not worthy, no one else does that.
All I really wanted was someone, my parents, an older sibling, a teacher, anyone, to see that I needed help. I tried to let them know that I needed help, I screamed for it but no one cared. I was only 6 when it started and when I was 12 I turned to drugs. Then I would not come home for days at a time. Maybe if I would have been caught by the police for using, they could have helped. All I wanted was someone, anyone to notice me but I was left to try to take care of myself. Now as an adult, all I want is to learn to love myself and take care of myself. I have not been doing a good job at that though. I have wanted to quit drinking for a long time but I have not been able to.
I understand why it has been so hard for me to overcome the shame. “Shame can affect literally every aspect of a former victim’s life, from your self-confidence, self-esteem, and body image to your ability to relate to others, navigate intimate relationships, and be a good parent to your work performance, ability to be learn new things, and ability to care for yourself. Shame is responsible for myriad personal problems, including: self-criticism and self-blame; self-neglect; self-destructive behaviors (such as abusing your body with food, alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes, self-mutilation, or being accident-prone); perfectionism (based on fear of being caught in a mistake); believing you don’t deserve good things”. The shame has caused me to turn to alcohol. I forgive myself for not quitting drinking yet. I forgive myself for the self-sabotage because I understand why I did it. All I can do now is continue working through this and growing.
September 9, 2018 at 6:56 am #120778Participant
Oh my goodness, AutumnRain … Your letter is so heartfelt. Here’s a thought I’ve had for those who are having a lot of trouble turning away from alc. I’ve listened to a lot of Bruce Lipton’s talks on YouTube. He’s a biologist. He tells about our brain, the front part and the back part. The back part is where our habits are. And, yes, they can be very hard to break. He says we can break them two ways: 1) through repetition (practicing) or 2) hypnosis. He explains it well. There is such a thing as medical hypnosis. I wonder if it could help some of us who are really struggling.
I’m having success with practicing. To me, that means one day at a time or one 30-day commitment at a time. Little by little this year, my desire has lessened and my ability to cope with stress clear-minded has strengthened.
September 17, 2018 at 5:04 pm #120822Participant
Autumnrain, I love that name! I don’t know how old you are, but your letter could have been written by myself years ago. Through all the counseling, with E.M.D.R., Lifespan training, hypnosis, C.P.T.S.D. Work, and so many other attempts to right myself, and I am here still trying to get a grip. Still trying to love myself. So hard that one. My kids are grown (Whew, by the seat of my pants, didn’t fuck that up too badly.) and now I am old, obese, unhealthy and alone. (They love me but I keep away so as not to mess it up. They are still young and need their lives without my bullshit.) My drinking has made me happiest to be by myself, so I don’t hurt anyone but myself. Past the parting, past the social drinking, past the happy hours, past the girls night out, past dating, past my prime, past my health, past the point of no return? I HOPE NOT!!! Day 4 for me. Lots of tears this morning for all that forgiveness, so hard. So hard to forgive myself the most, because I’m smarter, stronger, better/whatever than all this drinking. I so wish I had of quit 20 years ago. I tried. I hope this is the key. I have unlocked a lot of doors but this one has a big padlock, or maybe a big combo lock like a bank, whatever, I hope this system had the safe cracking skills I need. Now I just hope to have 20 more so I can see my grand kids grow. This is so hard. Wine is my best friend. Day 4, how would I take care of me if I were one of my kids? “I Love Myself” 3 words I just can’t get into my soul. I will keep saying it to myself. I will keep on! I wish you the best in your search and your sobriety.
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