My Movie Moment

This topic contains 11 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by

 
Participant
3 years, 5 months ago.

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  • #15041
    JG

    Participant

    It begins with the camera zoomed in on the face of a girl asleep in her clothes. It is 7 a.m. and her face is smeared with eye makeup from the night before. She startles awake and frantically searches for her phone. She begins scrolling through her texts and phone log with her cigarette stained fingers. She is horrified by what she reads and who she had sent text messages to. She is embarrassed to see she called ______ and spoke to them for over an hour. She doesn’t remember what they talked about. Come to think of it, she doesn’t remember getting herself to bed.
    She shakily goes downstairs and makes some coffee. She takes her cup out onto the deck and with shaking
    hands, she lights up a cigarette. She looks disgustedly at the mound of cigarettes overflowing in the ashtray from the night before. She attempts to count the number of butts and realizes she smoked almost 2 packs. The self-loathing sets in. “I’m never doing this again! Tonight I will stay sober,” she promises herself. She empties the ashtray and begins to get ready for work. She has a hard time applying her eyeliner because her hands are trembling. She assures herself, tomorrow will be better because tonight she won drink like she did last nigh. No way! She was going to practice will power!
    She gets to work and is tired, agitated and void of any creativity whatsoever. It’s 3 p.m. and she’s looking forward to going home. “Maybe I’ll have just 1 drink to take the edge off tonight,” she thinks to herself. She is unaware that decision fatigue is setting in.
    She arrives home and just wants to relax. The day was difficult. She couldn’t turn her brain off and was bombarded with all the thoughts of her pending divorce, fears of being alone, and where she would go from here? She was supposed to be making phone calls and filling out paper work on her break that day, but her head had been too fuzzy brained and she was too exhausted to tackle those things. These thoughts alone add to her fatigue and anxiety begins to well up in her chest.The audience sees where this is going and in their minds they are thinking, “Don’t don’t do it, don’t do it.” She opens the freezer and grabs the bottle of vodka. As the audience watches, they are gasping and begin whispering, “No! Don’t do this to yourself again. It will only make things worse. You promised yourself, remember?” One person viewing this movie tears up remembering when she was once this girl.
    The scene wraps up with the camera zooming out from a half filled ashtray. As it pans out, it captures the girl tapping away on her phone, headphones on with music blaring, and a drink in hand. The credits role and the audience files out to leave. They feel sad for this girl. Some are disgusted while others think to themselves, “Well at least I don’t smoke when I drink at night. “

  • #15042

    Participant

    Wow! Always good to see that other folks have shared the desperation and devastation I have felt at times. So What does the “top of the world” movie moment look like for you?

  • #15050

    Participant

    Wow Lola43! Your movie moment is most likely very similar to most of us reading your post. I don’t smoke, nor did I eat while drinking, so I was doing that “comparison” thing that I wasn’t so bad. Poo- we each have our excuses. I’ve had about 165 days this year of sobriety, not continuously. Proud of that number, but still working on admitting that I need to close the door for good. Still scary. I am doing a reboot, this time with a close friend. I’m so proud of her for deciding to try the program. I’ve encouraged her to participate in this format. I will try to be better myself at posting, so stay tuned to any other communications. Enjoy thriving! I am happy to be reclaiming my best self, as I have already done long stints of being sober,and absolutely hate the shakey body issues and it feels GREAT to not be dealing with that anymore. Carry on!

  • #15485

    Participant

    My movie moment has the audience looking at me saying “why would you waste so much time?” Look at your wife and kids. Why don’t you realize how lucky you are and be present for them. They can only take so much and one day you may arrive home to an empty house and wonder wtf happened despite 10 years of pretty clear signals…
    I am so happy to have found this program, I really am. It gets me through each day.

  • #15495

    Participant

    Wow, my movie moment could be what you described many times. Though I quit smoking many times many years ago. Getting home lately I’ve made the excuse opening a bottle of wine that I would, could drink just one glass this time, only to drink the entire bottle so then i switched to something I could handle better but the same result in the end. Hung or over or if it was one of my more controlled nights just sluggish in the morning. My husband even laughed from time to time and quoted to me “You don’t fall asleep you pass out, and you don’t wake up you come to!”
    I’m pretty sure if I was watching my movie, I would have poured the booze down the sink a long time ago.

  • #15500

    Participant

    My movie ends with the sober guy getting ( and keeping) the girl. Realizing how lucky I am to have someone stick by me through the rough times is reason enough to be a better partner.

  • #15673
    suz

    Participant

    Wow!!! Thank you for sharing that. You really hit it for me. Same crap for me as well. My movie is so sad and pathetic. A person who gives so much and has so much to give and seems, at least in the movie, he’ll-bent on destroying all the good in herself.

  • #15688

    Participant

    Time to forget about that bad movie and start filming a new one 🙂

    I’ve never really known a sober adult life so my new movie has no script yet but I’m excited to know that I am learning the skills to leave my old life behind and begin a new chapter ( thankfully with the same characters from the bad movie- who now like me a little better already!)

  • #15702

    Participant

    I was unsure of how to outline my movie moment. Good thing I read the forum with each Day, because you described my movie moment. Except I don’t smoke, I eat and eat badly, and then skip exercise the next day because I am sick, or even skip work altogether. Those days home sick are really depressing, feeling really bad, the hopelessness, and sometimes thoughts of just ending it all. And yes, it has gotten increasingly hard for me to maintain my morning self-loathing induced commitment into the evening after a bender, no matter how horrible I feel or completely unproductive I am. I can really identify with that just one drink to take the edge off and stop feeling so bad, but it never is just one drink for me. No matter how many times I tell myself I’ll just have one, it never ends that way. Also, when I drink alone, I really drink alone, no drunk dialing or texting. Which is why I mostly suffer in silence, and why few people would think that I have a drinking problem (or that could just be what I tell myself). I have a weekend social circle of heavy and committed drinkers, who claim I have a split personality, boring sober me and fun drinking me. They don’t know how much fun drinking me makes boring sober me suffer.

  • #15707

    Participant

    Bbmac I I can see a movie where you get a text from your drinking friends. The audience knows exactly that when you respond they will talk you into hanging out and then…

    They hope you delete the message. You contemplate. You put the phone away. Then you pick it back up and… Nooooo! He just types ‘ok’

  • #15728

    Participant

    B-mac, you have a lot of people rooting for you on this forum and you don’t have to suffer in silence anymore. Stick with the program and each chapter will help you change who you think you are. Might be a good idea to find an alternative crowd to hang out with for a while until you are strong enough to handle that atmosphere, or maybe the new movie doesn’t include these fun folks 🙂

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