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Participant
11 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #20350

    Participant

    Sober day 9. I did not think I would make it this far. But it is easy now. They are so right that if you make a commitment to just not drink, you don’t go through that debate everytime you pass the liquor store, go out to dinner etc. the last 2 nights were a bit tough because I did attend work event I would have really liked to go to because people would be drinking and I did not want to sit there not drinking watching the drinking unfold. Notice how unattractive it is to watch someone get drunk? I don’t want to be that person again.
    I have been thinking quite a bit though and my thoughts of the afterlife have come up. My intuition tells me that if I don’t stay sober and deal with my issues of why I want to numb out of reality those issues will follow my soul. I know this is deep stuff but follow me here. I am not religious so this comes from an interesting place in me. but there is a gap between who I am and who I let people see that I am. And if I don’t bridge that gap I will never get to metaphorically “let my light shine”. And real me (scared, shy, unsure, self doubting me that no one is allowed to see)will of course stay with my soul because it is the real me not the me I let people see. What I let people see is confident, outgoing, strong powerhouse but on the inside I doubt my every thought. once I die I will not longer have an external world to pretend to be someone I am not to, I will just be me.
    Long story short I have to stay sober to sort out why internally I lack the confidence to be who I pretend to be. I want to bridge that gap and be on the inside the same as what people see on the outside. Make sense? Can anyone relate?

  • #20357

    Participant

    Hi Wellness, Make sense? Definitely. I am sober 9 days. Although, I don’t normally participate in group conversations after reading your post I had to reply. I can relate, I also find there is this gap between the me I let people see and the real me. I was drinking to hide being; shy, insecure, worried, and scared people won’t like me. I wanted people to see this strong, secure, confident women not the scared little girl inside. But I have committed 100% to this program. I really look forward to reading the 30 Day Sobriety Solution and doing the exercises everyday. I won’t deny there are days when writing about my most personal inner feeling in my journal is not easy but it is working and helping me get to the real me. I am learning to understand myself, like myself, and bridge that gap between the me I pretend to be and the real me. Oh, yes I agree watching people get drunk; they are kind of annoying but then I think to myself, that used to be me. Stay strong. M

  • #20369

    Participant

    Thanks for responding. I thought I was doing some deep late night soul chasing and had no thought anyone would even read it much less get me. Glad to know someone understood! 🙂
    I started reading the book Changing the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza. It is really deep stuff but very helpful to me in my searching. The book talks about how you can change your mind and your life will follow. It is good stuff. I truly feel with some intentional practice and sobriety I can also be on the inside that confident, strong, outgoing powerhouse of a woman I let everyone see on the outside. I am finding less room for fear, insecurity, shame, anxiety in my life. They really are childish emotions that I have dragged into adulthood and they no longer serve me. I am working hard to deliberately and intentionally to release those learned emotions. I think I will always have self doubt but in a healthy way. I find use of that emotion but I will learn to manage it better and keep it in check. But I think my self doubt to an extent has brought me success in life. As it has made me second guess myself into an analytical debate until I was able to creatively solve problems. Or maybe I m kidding myself and self doubt will become less useful to me and I move through this process. Who knows where this journey will take me but I am excited about having clarity and purpose and a drive for better. I am truly happy.

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