The Hardest Solution

This topic contains 7 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by

 
Participant
1 year, 10 months ago.

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  • #13436

    Participant

    I feel really good that I have completed each of the day’s reading and writing assignments for 30 Day Solution. I have felt relieved, motivated, and free working through each of the solutions up until Day 29: The Vision Solution.

    As I read the chapter and read what the Action Steps required, I never had the urge to drink up until now. Thinking about my life purpose or what I am skilled at triggers strong emotions to drink and shut down any thought of my talents, skills, knowledge, passions, or “purpose in life.”

    The voice in my head automatically tells me that I am passionate about nothing. I have no hobbies or skills. That’s not true! I am really talented at DRINKING. There’s a whisper of “C’mon! There’s something that you are good at.” But a louder more convincing voice says, “Bullshit! You haven’t learned to do anything. You are good at nothing. You take life day-by-day. As long as you eat, sleep, and show up at your shitty job, life goes on. You don’t get recognized at work, they don’t promote you, but you bring home enough to pay the bills. Why risk it? Why do anything else? Passions are a waste of time if they don’t make $$$”

    It pains me because I know the a lot of what the louder voice says is true. The idea of cooling those thoughts with a drink sounds fantastic! Because I know that in the short term, I can reframe my bad thoughts to “Life isn’t so bad. You have a job, a functioning car, a home, a wife that loves you, family that loves you. I feel great” Not until I get sober do I realize that, Yes, this life is not enough for me. I hate my life. I really don’t have anything to work with. I am a blank slate. I am “good” at my job (government, cubicle life, pushing papers, bureaucratic crap). But in one week I can recruit anyone on this website who has a worse alcohol problem than I do and make them good at what I do. Even in college when I was supposed to be learning who I am or what I wanted to do, I just showed up to whatever class I enrolled in and drank and chased ass on the weekend. Some classes I did well, some I didn’t. But I digress.

    Anyone else feel like this. Reaching deep into my soul makes me angry and resentful of myself. Like I could have been much more but I ended up a F up with nothing to show. My subconscious really wants to sabotage myself thinking of what I want out of life.

    -M

  • #13437

    Participant

    msmitty – I haven’t even started the program yet – my start date is tomorrow. But I just wanted to send some encouragement your way. Try to hang in there – get through this day – and don’t take a drink…it’s so worth it (I’m counting on that for myself) – but all of the encouragement I see in the forums tells me it really is. It will get better and you’ll find some parts of you that you like and you’ll build on that. Please don’t give up!!! Appreciated how honest you were in your post and how painful this is…hope you now people out here care about you and want the very best for you!!

  • #13442

    Participant

    The vision statement was tough for me too, it honestly took me days to land on it. I ended up pulling from my affirmations and core values, exercises you’ve already completed. I spent a lot of time figuring out what I really liked about being a wife, mother, engineer, project manager, dog owner, on and on. Perhaps reading mine will help, it is crazy to look back at the time it took to write something so simple.

    Using my unique passion and talents for open mindedness, discovery, and logical problem solving I am leading groups to consensus and success, and individuals to happiness and contentment.

  • #13443

    Participant

    M, I feel for you!

    Just think, if nothing else, this Solution has brought you to the realization that you have Not lived up to a vision YET!!! As for dwelling on the “could have, or the would have, or the should have,….WTF makes you think your life is over yet!!! The gift in your realization can open doors. As long as you have life you can change the course of the ship. Or even alter it a bit! Your life goes on. New directions can be dreamt. New visions can be forged! Your limitations can be swept out of the way. Your past doesn’t need to dictate the future. As long as you draw breath, the future is open. Remember the message given by Eckhart Tolle….there, in reality, is Only the Now!!! That is the Power of Now! You are alive. You have love. You have hard won Sobriety! Don’t beat yourself up. We are all works in progress. Your work begins NOW!!! Sina

  • #13444

    Participant

    And msmitty1984, I apologize for sounding harsh! Sounds like you were pleased with every single solution up until this particular one. This impasse doesn’t negate the work accomplished by you so far. If this struggle was a piece of cake, we wouldn’t need the 30DSS in the first place.
    Solution 29 is huge. Most mere mortals don’t have a Vision of this magnitude. It’s a life’s work. You have done great, as far as I can see. We all need to continue to dream, and dream Big, as we did when we were little children.
    Helping others, in any way, qualifies as a worthy Vision, maybe the greatest one! Onward! Sina

  • #14759

    Participant

    You aint kidding that it is the hardest solution. I have been working for 5 hours on this so far and I have alot of resistance and just wanted to rush thru it but I remember that video where Dave Andrews talks about projects that he works on and completes 95% of them and then in the end he half-asses it and that his boss had commented on it.

    And I too have a tendency to “lose steam” right at the very end of the race where you can see the finish line up ahead. But if your resistance is so strong that you feel you may drink then maybe you should put the solution off for a day or 2.

    Drinking is the worst thing you could do. I understand how you feel, writing this vision really is a slap in the face and a wake up call about how much time we wasted in our pursuit of alcohol that could have been better spent. Sometimes I feel that my highest potential will never be realized now that I lost 25 years in alcoholism and those years are gone for good.

    But who is to say that I will not live to the age of 125. If I take good care of myself and never drink again than it is certainly a possibility. Remember that in 7 years every single cell in your entire body will have regenerated and you will have a completely new body so the abuse and damage from the drinking can be “wiped away”/

    All we need to do is never drink again and we are going to be JUST FINE. The only bad thing that can happen is if we pickup a drink once again because then the future is uncertain and skewed towards disaster and sadness. But if we stay clean then the future is skewed towards happiness, love and peace.

    Make the good choice! Lets all get clean and never pick up again. We have so much LIVING left to do.

  • #18868

    Participant

    I know this is an old post, but I am struggling with this one too. Anything that has to do with my passion and purpose in life, I don’t get very far. BECAUSE I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT I REALLY WANT!!! The good news is, that it has brought to my attention that that this is an area that I need to continue to work on (and it’s going to take more than one day of a solution to figure it out!) The other good news is that I honestly don’t feel the urge to drink because if this. In fact, I haven’t had the urge to drink when I struggled with any of this program. It’s just not my go-to anymore. But with this work today, I’m just frustrated, and it’s comforting to know I am not alone.

    ~ Aspiring Reformed Party Girl
    Day 58 Sober / Day 29 Program

    • #19029

      Participant

      Hello reformedpartygirl, I’m on Day 29 and 35 days being alcohol-free. I’ve NEVER felt like I knew my purpose in life and I still don’t–and I’m in my 60s! That’s depressing! However, I’m feeling more real about myself and I have no plans to test myself with alcohol in the near future. It was easy to answer what I’d like in life if money was not an issue and I know what I love doing but I just can’t seem to put it all together to make a sensible vision statement. But, I’m thankful for my growth and progress and hopefully, I’ll meet my true vision and know what my purpose is someday.

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