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August 25, 2016 at 10:20 am #13248
I’m writing this on Day 31, but it started on Day 29 with going through the WHY statement and vision statement. After getting some distance on this, it has made me realize that my clinical and chronic depression hasn’t magically gone away, and I need to do something about it.
From my journal:
I’ve been thinking about my WHY statement. This one is hard for me because i’m not sure why I’m here on this planet. The only thing i can think of is to take care of my parents and niece/nephew if, god forbid, my sister and brother-in-law die. If I died tomorrow, it wouldn’t be all that bad. Everyone would move on.. and these thoughts are worrisome.. Obviously, i don’t have kids, don’t even have a dog, so it’s not like someone “needs” me or is counting on me.. So i’m just existing – going through life, trying to make the best of it. During my annual physical two weeks ago, the doc ran me through a depression screening. Results were mild depression which isn’t surprising. I’ve battled depression for the last 20+ years.. My therapist believes I will always have chronic depression. My vitamin D was within the acceptable range, but towards the lower end.. Might start taking a supplement.
My depression is there, for sure. Working through the WHY statement brought it to the forefront. I can’t shake the gloomy outlook. I’m trying to do all the “right things”: (even the doctor said “keep doing what you’re doing. All your test results were awesome.”) getting exercise, eating right, abstaining from drinking, etc.. but all this effort and still having a hard time being joyful. My sex drive hasn’t changed. I am dating a wonderful man who finds me beautiful and sexy, but I don’t have the desire like he does. But I’ve always been this way. It’s my normal.
Although the scale hasn’t really changed, two pairs of pants that were snug at the beginning of my 30 days are now fitting in the waist. So that’s a good thing.. Some evidence of my effort. Although I know the real work is inside me. That’s changed in a good way. I have a new vocabulary. new tools to use to help me thrive in sobriety.
Incidentally, I poured a tiny glass of wine on Day 29 after work. I sat outside on my deck; I closed my eyes and smelled it before I took a tiny sip into my mouth, noticed where the flavors hit my tongue. If i was going to drink, i wanted to savour it, not gulp it. Curiously, i didn’t like the taste. Have my taste buds changed in the last 29 days? I ended up pouring it back into the bottle. It was underwhelming. I went back to seltzer, lime, and bitters.. Go figure.
Day 30 was tough too.. Feeling low. Helpless. Despondent. Disheartened. A “why bother, f*ck it” attitude. I gave in, i poured a glass of wine and gulped it. Almost out of anger at the depression and frustration that i can’t shake it. On the bright side, I did switch back to seltzer after the second glass. Previously, i would have just finished the bottle and wallowed in my own misery. In the moment, I tried to think what am i feeling? why am i craving this glass of wine? My mother always says: “you are given many chances in life to learn lessons, and each time the knock gets harder.” I need to find a better way to wrestle with my gremlins.
previous cautions of one’s tolerance not being what it used to be were right.. One glass and i felt tipsy..
I told my boyfriend that I had a shitty day thinking about my WHY. No immediate answers needed. It did feel good to let him know i was struggling with something. I suppose i keep plugging along. and call the doctor, and make an appointment with the shrink.
Today is a new day. Keep moving forward, like the bicycle.. 🙂
August 25, 2016 at 10:29 am #13249
I am on Day 2 and just reading thru forums to see how this experience has been for everyone. There is a book called The Mood Cure by Julia Ross that you should check out. It is all about how over time we depress our neurotransmitters thru processed foods, alcohol… and various other factions of modern life. I read the book a few years ago in an effort to help my mother and in looking at the questionnaire realized I probably also had hammered my chemistry. Certainly, alcohol is a big factor in that. The book helps you to formulate a supplement regimen to help restore and rebalance your neurotransmitters. I absolutely noticed a difference in my moods and focus.
I believe her work actually emanated from trying to find a nutritional approach to helping people with depression and addition issues. If you look it up on Amazon you will find many great reviews of people who have been helped by it; much like this book.
Good luck! If anything you are only rebuilding your health thru this process but you will likely benefit greatly from some supplements.
August 25, 2016 at 12:09 pm #13250
Thanks Rivieragirl! I’ll definitely look into it.
One of the first things that struck a chord w me was the opportunity to re-wire my brain and learning about the NASA Experiment where astronauts started seeing right-side up between week 3-4. ( if you haven’t gotten to that point in the book this won’t make much sense). Re – wiring my brain is part of my vision statement
At the beginning, I was nervous about the 30 days. I was surprised how quickly it went. IMO, the program is brilliantly laid out- Building upon itself. Some tough homework on certain days but totally worth it. An honest introspection is key.
Good luck on your journey! You are worth it.
August 25, 2016 at 1:27 pm #13255
Yes, I did read about the astronauts and it is very interesting how the brain works. I majored in psychology so I do have some clue about how adaptable our brains are. Not to mention how much abuse our bodies can adapt to.
I am still taking one of the supplements that I started taking when I first read The Mood Cure and am thinking I will also want to go back to that regime to bolster myself in all ways possible.
I am sure I will be reading up in the forums and staying in touch throughout so good luck with everything!
September 8, 2016 at 10:53 am #13589
Wanted to let you know that the Mood Cure came in the mail yesterday. I started reading it last night. couldn’t put it down! Thanks for the recommendation!
September 8, 2016 at 11:20 am #13592
Your welcome! It’s an excellent book. I first read it in an attempt to help my mother but then learned I needed to be supplementing as well. I found that it really helped with my focus and energy. Once you start reading you can see how everyone, by adulthood, has managed to scramble their neurotransmitters to some degree. It’s definitely an excellent complement to this program. I’m glad you got it.
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